Not What I Expected

not expectedI haven’t been writing much on this blog lately and I think I’ve figured out why.  Losing weight hasn’t been what I expected it would be.

I’m now 40+ pounds lighter than I was when I started on this journey.  My clothes are all loose and some are practically falling off me.  I can clearly see the changes in my body and I can feel the changes in my strength and stamina.  I’m succeeding at something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.  The only problem is that it doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

I guess, like most people who are fat, I had a dream of what losing weight and being thinner would be like.  I thought I’d get more confident.  I assumed everyone would notice and praise me for my achievement.  I thought my desire to eat and my cravings for foods I knew were not good for me would diminish.  I thought that I would learn to love sweating and exercise.  I fantasized that life would be better in every way.

I have to admit, in some ways it is better.  I haven’t learned to love exercise, but I’ve learned to appreciate it.  A few people have noticed my weight loss and complimented me on it.  I have gained a bit more confidence.  I’ve certainly gained more strength and endurance.  So there are definitely improvements in my fitness level.

I’ve also learned to change my eating habits.  I think more about what I eat, and I make better choices.  I’ve learned to avoid foods that are triggers for overeating.   I don’t eat as much or as often and I eat more because I’m hungry than because I’m sad or angry or bored.  So that’s definitely positive as well.

Still, despite the improvements, losing weight has not been the life changing event that I thought it would be.  I still have the same problems.  I still face the same challenges.  I’m still me, I’m just wearing a smaller size now.

I guess that’s the danger of dreaming for years about doing something.  When you finally accomplish your goal, or at least get closer to accomplishing it, you may find that what you dreamed is not the reality.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about losing weight and I plan to continue to lose.

I just had always fantasized it would be more of an event than this.