Not What I Expected

not expectedI haven’t been writing much on this blog lately and I think I’ve figured out why.  Losing weight hasn’t been what I expected it would be.

I’m now 40+ pounds lighter than I was when I started on this journey.  My clothes are all loose and some are practically falling off me.  I can clearly see the changes in my body and I can feel the changes in my strength and stamina.  I’m succeeding at something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.  The only problem is that it doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

I guess, like most people who are fat, I had a dream of what losing weight and being thinner would be like.  I thought I’d get more confident.  I assumed everyone would notice and praise me for my achievement.  I thought my desire to eat and my cravings for foods I knew were not good for me would diminish.  I thought that I would learn to love sweating and exercise.  I fantasized that life would be better in every way.

I have to admit, in some ways it is better.  I haven’t learned to love exercise, but I’ve learned to appreciate it.  A few people have noticed my weight loss and complimented me on it.  I have gained a bit more confidence.  I’ve certainly gained more strength and endurance.  So there are definitely improvements in my fitness level.

I’ve also learned to change my eating habits.  I think more about what I eat, and I make better choices.  I’ve learned to avoid foods that are triggers for overeating.   I don’t eat as much or as often and I eat more because I’m hungry than because I’m sad or angry or bored.  So that’s definitely positive as well.

Still, despite the improvements, losing weight has not been the life changing event that I thought it would be.  I still have the same problems.  I still face the same challenges.  I’m still me, I’m just wearing a smaller size now.

I guess that’s the danger of dreaming for years about doing something.  When you finally accomplish your goal, or at least get closer to accomplishing it, you may find that what you dreamed is not the reality.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about losing weight and I plan to continue to lose.

I just had always fantasized it would be more of an event than this.

When I’m Thin

heart and handWhen I’m Thin was first a blog in 2008 – 2009. When I originally started this blog, I considered the question of what it should be called for quite a while.   A lot of names were considered.  Personally, I loved “Live Free or Diet” but someone had already taken that domain.   I also liked “Such a Pretty Face” because I’ve heard that so many times, generally as part of the phrase “You have such a pretty face, you’d look fabulous if you just lost a little weight.”  Apparently other people had heard similar comments because that domain name was gone as well.  Finally, after I’d considered some additional names, the idea of calling this blog “When I’m Thin” popped into my head.  At the time, it seemed there could be no other choice for a title.

I know it really isn’t so, but it seems I’ve been saying some version of “when I’m thin” for most of my life.  I’ll pursue singing, which I love to do, when I’m thin and feel more comfortable getting up in front of an audience.  I’ll start dressing up more when I’m thin and can feel good about wearing sexier clothes.  I’ll go out and work harder to meet that special man when I’m thin and feel better about myself.  The list of things I would do when I was thin was endless.  The problem was that I never got thin.

Eventually, I ended up taking this blog down because, although I was saying and writing the right words  about getting thin, that wasn’t what I was doing. It took me a few more years before I actually found, for me, the right set of actions and circumstances that allowed me to take steps down the road toward getting thinner. I realized that if I really want to be thin, I had to work at it.  If I didn’t want to be thin, I needed to figure out why I think fat represents security.  Either way, I needed to stop postponing my life, because I’m not getting any younger, and none of us have the luxury of reliving days that have already passed.

At one point this blog was intended to chronicle the story of my journey from fat to thin.  Now, it’s more about getting fit and healthy regardless of what the scale says I weigh. Some of what I write here will be about weight loss and fitness.  Some of the posts will be about why I was fat and why I have fears about being thin.  I’ll probably occasionally gripe and cry about how much I hate exercise and eating right.  Hopefully I’ll occasionally be funny as well.

To be honest, I’m not sure how this will end up.  I just know this is a journey I need to take, and I hope you’ll think it is worth coming along for the ride.